13 Songs that Mention my Birthday

1. Soundgarden: Fourth of July
“And I heard it in the wind
And I saw it in the sky
And I thought it was the end
And I thought it was the 4th of july.”

2. Shooter Jennings: 4th of July
“You were pretty as can be, sitting in the front seat
Looking at me, telling me you love me ,and you’re happy to be,
With me on the 4th of July.”

3. Yankee Doodle Dandee
“A real life nephew of my uncle sam,
Born on the 4th of July.”

4. Martina McBride: Indpendence Day
“Well, she lit up the sky that Fourth of July
By the time that the firemen come
They just put out the flames and took down some names
and sent me to the county home
Now I ain’t sayin’ it’s right, or it’s wrong
But maybe it’s the only way
Talk about your revolution
It’s Independence Day…”

5. Jason Mraz: The Remedy
“I saw fireworks from the freeway
And behind closed eyes I cannot make them go away
‘Cause you were born on the fourth of july, freedom ring.”

6. Mel C: Independence Day
“I’ve been dreaming about it
I can’t live without it
I’ve got to find my own way
I’m not changing my mind now
Or looking behind now
This is my Independence Day
My Independence Day”

7. James Taylor: On the 4th of July
“Oh, the smell of the smoke as we lay on the land
and the feeling of finding my heart in my hand
with the tiny tin voice of the radio band singing “love must stand,”
love forever and ever must stand and forever must stand.
All on the Fourth of July, on the Fourth of July.”

8. Ani Difranco: 4th of July
“so there goes the only friend
I have in iowa
his hand flapping behind him
waving good-bye
his name is jason
he lives in the last trailer on the right
and he’ll be seven
on the fourth of july”

9. Blues Traveler: 4th of July
“Well she hated the 4th of july
Bombs bursting in air, and she’d never know why
She’d keep me up all night, too terrified to cry
Oh yes, she hated 4th of july”

10. Aimee Mann: 4th of July
“Today’s the fourth of July
another June has gone by
and when they light up our town I just think
what a waste of gunpowder and sky”

11. Bruce Springstein: Indpendence Day
“So say goodbye it’s independence day
Its independence day all down the line
Just say goodbye it’s independence day
Its independence day this time”

12. Floater: Indpendence Day
“The painting of the sky of my Independence day, yeah of my day and
I watch this beautiful world roll on
And I think I might stay”

13. Brave Saint Saturn: Independence Day
“Independence Day, Second of May
Lost my best friend, and a fiance,
So I will hold this candle high
Independence Day, nothing I could say
Would sway you not to sever ties
Your liberty can’t rest on lies”

1. I am being picked on at work
2. JK could care less about me
3. My meeting went well today with the president, but nothing will come of it
4. I got in a play last night, but I don’t want to do it/have the energy to do it
5. I am fatter than I have ever been
6. I am pretending that I’m not crying at my desk at work.

I am alone. If I’m not around here for awhile, or in real life, it’s because I need a serious break.

July is the month of “She the Exercise Queen.” I am tired of being weak and overweight. I will lose weight. I will get thinner. My face will get thinner. I will be happier with a thinner me. That’s a given. The time has come.

Reward my thinner self with cute clothes.

Just “Let it Be” with JK. There seems to be some confusion on both our parts as to the nature of our relationship. I will try VERY hard to not put a label on things and to let them happen as they will. I care about him and I want him in my life. I need to make a decision as to whether “not dating” is okay with me or not. It hasn’t been so far, but I have been rethinking the situation over the past week.

July 2, I am meeting with the president of the company and the head of the personal lines department to discuss my marketing ideas. If they are willing to take the time to meet with a person who works in the health dept, and not in the personal lines department, I will present one heck of a presentation!

Plan my NYC trip and buy my plane ticket. I am seeing The Little Mermaid, and I also want to see Avenue Q.

Finish planning & organizing my blogathon. Complete the blogathon.

Be more accepting of myself.

This week is always a strange one in my life. My grandma, Mary Frances Barr Leffingwell, died 19 years ago today. She was buried the day after my birthday, on the 5th, and my grandpa’s birthday was the 6th. I turned 12 that week and spent my birthday at a family friend’s while my parents received guests at the funeral home. My brother, who was 7, does not remember my grandma. There are a few things I’d like to say to my grandma, if she could receive my letter.

Dear Grandma Mary,

I still remember you. It has been 19 years since you left this earth, but you are not far from my mind and heart. I still “see” you driving a car or walking into a store. I’m sad when I realize it’s just a woman who resembles you. I wonder, though, if God lets me have just a glimpse of you in another person, to make sure I’m paying attention — or perhaps it’s you, above, wanting to see if I still remember you. I do. I always will.

I distinctly remember you sitting on the kitchen floor with me, playing jacks. I’m not sure why that memory is so vivid in my mind, but it is. It’s a lasting memory of you and I. It was a grandma you didn’t let most people see. They saw your sarcasm and your gruffness at Grandpa, but not your childlike side. And believe me, I know why you were so annoyed wtih Grandpa! Haha.

I hope that I am making you proud. I also hope you get a chuckle out of passing on the bipolar disorder to me! We are two of a kind — that’s for sure. And the other day, when I laughed, I snorted just like you always did.

I love you Grandma. I will always remember you.

Until we meet again,

Your granddaughter, She

I walked 2 miles today — so at least there’s that. Now, if I can just get my mind to stop feeling the extra fat on my body . . .

I miss JK and he doesn’t miss me. He may think of me from time to time, but after a week of mourning the loss of our relationship, he’s moving right along. I am not. I was happier than I’ve ever been in my life with him. He brought out the best in me, and I brought out the best in him. No one has EVER fixed me breakfast “just because” or even for a special occasion. No one has EVER left me notes to find in the morning. And he did those things on his own. He’s such a special person and I really thought/still think he is the one for me.

I met him at Roosters Wed night. I felt like a stupid little girl with an unrequited crush. I kept sneaking sideways glances at him. He’s so beautiful to me. It made me so sad to be sitting so close to him in proximity, yet so far away from his heart.

And I hate who I’ve become with him. I’m just this bitchy ex-girlfriend that gets mad if he doesn’t call, or doesn’t say what I want to hear, or, or, or, or , or . . . I was the one who made the decision, yet I’m the one punishing him for it. I guess I’m really punishing him for pulling away from me in the first place. If he hadn’t went inside himself and threw away the key to his soul, like he did, I wouldn’t have had to make the decision to end all things physical and semi-concrete with him. Bitch bitch bitch. That’s all I do. I’m sure my period isn’t helping. I HATE being like this. I wish I could just turn off these angy feelings.

Wow — writing really does help to bring out raw feelings. I. Am. Angry. There, I said it, “I am SO ANGRY!”

I am angry that:

• ANOTHER relationship didn’t work out.
• even as the “New and Improved (aka counseled) She,” I’m STILL not good enough for anyone to love me.
• I am acting like a sullen teenager
• I never give him a chance to do right by me, because I’m always accusing him of dumb things.

Jump. Jump. Jump. Around and around the thoughts are spinning in my mind. None of them are connected, yet they are connecting internally.

God, make him interested in being around me again. Pretty please? I’m drowning in lonliness (and a bit of bipolar disorder) here.

Sometimes I feel my heart breaking

Like now

1. Time does heal all most wounds (or at least lessen them).
2. Although, as adults, we don’t get summer vacation anymore, it is super nice, to not have to do homework ever again!!
3. Kids really are our future. Whitney Houston was right about something.
4. You must feed your body to have energy, just like a car needs gas.
5. Although it is difficult money-wise, it is very freeing and empowering to be a single adult woman living on my own, earning my own salary, and providing for myself and my 2 dogs.
6. I/You/We will NEVER make everyone happy, so it’s best not to put those expectations on myself/yourself/ourselves.
7. It is possible to change your life for the better, but you have to be willing to do the work.
8. I am entitled to my feelings, and it is ok to make them known.
9. It is perfectly ok to remove trying/toxic/draining people from my life.
10. The opinions of others do not always equal the truth of the situation.
11. Entertaining my inner child is nothing to be ashamed of (aka, Webkinz are my new crack).
12. I am not the labels other people give me.
13. No matter how many different ways you ask a question, you will always get the same answer. (I have been reminded of this lately)

Please add one of your own to the comments section!!

He used to look at me and smile.
He used to want to see me every day.
He used to want to sit next to me.
He used to make me laugh.
He used to make me feel loved.

Now, I look at a stranger.

It hurts that he’s no longer “into” me.
He says he is,
But actions speak louder than words,
And I want action.

I’m ready to settle down with someone, but how can I trust anyone?

I wish I could better describe what’s in my heart. It’s sadness for what we had and what is now gone. It’s sadness for losing the happiest 6 months of my entire life. I was happy, blissfully happy with another person. That has never happened in my almost 31 years. I want that back, and it’s something he can no longer give.

Lord, mend my heart. Remind me I’m worthy of happiness despite what I heard growing up. Amen.

At the beginning of 2008, I made a manifesto of sorts rather than resolutions. Last night I encountered #7:

“I will allow myself to have symptomology of ptsd from time to time. I will realize that it is normal to be triggered every once in awhile. I will not beat myself up for it anymore. I will remember that it is ok to be me and that being me sometimes includes these moments of setbacks.”

Last night I wanted to cut myself over this, but I didn’t. I wanted to hurt myself in some way — punish myself for reverting back to old behavioral patterns, but I didn’t. I am still mad at myself today, but that is dissipating. I can only do the best that I can in situations like that. I must allow myself those few and far between reactions.

So, you’re probably wondering what I did last night. I ran away from a situation. I learned in counseling that because I was unable to escape and/or leave when my traumas were happening, it is natural that when faced with a triggering scenario, I run. I don’t stop and think, I run. I run as fast as my feet will carry me. Then I drive away a fast as I can. I probably look like a mad woman. Inside my head is this voice saying, “Get away. Go to a safe place. You have to get away from the situation, NOW!” So, my body automatically, robotically carries out the brain’s urgent message.

I went to counseling for 2 intensive years, working very hard to rewire my brain to react normally to “normal” to “stressful” situations. Before, I ALWAYS reacted by running away from anything big or small. Now, I live a relatively ptsd-free life. It is on these rare occasions that it slips out before I realize what I’m doing. Fortunately, I am rational enough to realize that what I did was excessive after the fact.

So, JK invited me over to watch a movie. When I got there, he was studying on his back porch & didn’t hear me knock. I went inside and said hi to him. He was reading and studying for a test he has soon. I pet his kitties for a few minutes. Then, suddenly, my brain registered, “He’s ignoring me. He hasn’t seen me for a week and he’s not excited to see me. He barely looked up from his book. He doesn’t care. He hates me. Why did he even invite me over? Is he going to look at me or keep reading?” ad nauseum. So, as being ignored is a trigger for me, I exploded with, “You can’t even f*cking look up from your book long enough to say hi to me? I’m leaving. I’m just leaving.” Stomp stomp stomp, open door, shut door, run down steps, walk quickly to my car (random neighbor watching this), get in my car, drive off quickly, breathe, realize what an idiot I just was, then drive around crying for a bit. Go home, text him that I’m sorry. Call him. He said we could “try again” later in the week as long as I “don’t act like that.” I get defensive again and cry. “I already apologized, why are you making me feel worse?” etc etc etc.

So, I’m pretty much laying all of this idiocy out for everyone to see. So, now you’ve had a glimpse into PTSD for your Monday entertainment. Those who have ptsd will understand this. Those who don’t will probably think I reacted extremely irrationally.

The real tragedy in all of this was that I pushed JK away. Part of me would say that he already pushed me away. The other part of me would say, “I’m still trying to hold on to what we had, however small it may be.” 

i want you to call me as soon as you wake up or as soon as you’re done with class.
i want you to crave seeing me, with that big smile upon your face.
i want you to charm me, impress me, open up to me.
i want to dance to 80s hair bands just because it’s fun.
i want my hand held.
i want to smell your skin.
i want to lay down in your arms and feel content and loved.
mostly, i want to cruise down the highway, just the two of us, the wind blowing through our hair, “take on me” on the radio, and me, smiling, knowing that i’m riding around with the person i love, the person that i’m going to marry.

but all i have are tears and an invisible elephant in the room, wherever i go.